i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
