There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if only i could text you this smell
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Houston, we have a squirter
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize