they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
