I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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