I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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