My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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