this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A bitchslap is in order.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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