you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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