My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
