I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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