Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
