it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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