Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
