I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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