I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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