I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
