I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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