my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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