Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
