Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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