Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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