you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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