i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
