What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
