meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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