she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
