hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
