Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
