we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
