Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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