i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
