Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
