i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
