mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
