Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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