Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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