Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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