tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
