butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
