For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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