my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
