Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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