i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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