youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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