3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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