Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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