everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
