So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize