a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
