so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
