She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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