I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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