whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You were trust falling into bushes
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