It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
