what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
