I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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