How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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