Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
