Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
