My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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