The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
