don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
