you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize