Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we made out on top of his cat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
