I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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