I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm passing your future prison.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
