dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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