my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
