He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize