I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
