Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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